I was recently thinking about a 'special friend' of mine, who is trapped in a Marriage with an abusive and controlling person she does not really Love. This 'special friend' of mine is a very sweet girl, but she is such a sweet person and a people pleaser, she failed to communicate HER needs or anger to her last boyfriend, who I also know very well!
She would be angry with her last boyfriend, and tell all her friends and family about it. Neglecting to tell her friends or family any GOOD things about her past boyfriend, or how much she really Loved him, they advised her to leave him, or face expulsion from the family. Desperate to be 'accepted' by her family and friends, and trapped because she has said so many bad things about him, she met the Man she is currently married to.
Like many Abusive relationships, this one started out quickly. He seemed 'charming' and genuinely 'interested' in her. Her family welcomed her new boyfriend with open arms, desperate to 'get her away' from her past 'Bad' relationship. Despite warnings and proof about his violent, abusive past, she rationalized that it was a 'long time ago', and decided to ignore things.
In fact, I was with this 'special friend' when her husband called 10 times in a 15 minute period because he was so 'worried about her'. As we shall see later on in this article, that was simply an excuse to 'hide' his controlling behavior!
She has told people he spies on her computer with Hidden Keylogger Spy Programs, checks her incoming and outgoing cell phone calls, text messages, and emails, and even wants her not to talk with close friends she has had long before they ever met. I truly feel sorry for my 'special friend' because she truly is a trapped animal.
She has alienated her ex boyfriend, the one she really loves, by double crossing him recently. It is highly doubtful he will ever trust her again. And besides, she has said so MUCH bad shit about him to her friends and family w/o ever telling anyone what she did to cause it, there is no going back.
My 'special friend' is a sweet girl, but she is on disability, unable to support herself. So now she finds herself depressed, and in an abusive, super controlling Marriage with a Man she is not really in Love with, who freaking Spies on her.
To make matters worse, she is terrified to contact her ex boyfriend, (the one she really loves) scared to death he will tell her husband to 'get back' at her for her recent escapades.
As I said, I 'know' her ex boyfriend well, very well! The 2 of them recently got back together, w/o her current husbands knowledge! They had a lot of legal problems in the past, and it caused a lot of ongoing legal problems for him, plus it greatly effected his business!
Her ex boyfriend was very upset, but he also went to a lot of therapy and completed anger management. Instead of reading her the riot act, he created a Blog, where he could WRITE about, not ACT on, his hurt feelings.
Remember, her ex boyfriends business was greatly compromised by what she did to him? In fact, MOST of the Blog he wrote was written right after he got out of Jail, when he was very pissed off. In fact, when the 2 of them recently got back together, he even TOLD her about the Blog! No matter, she found the Blog, and freaked out w/o even talking to him about it.
As I said, I know both of the people, and I see a serious communications problem here, and little more. It really is a tragic story for 2 people who really Love each other. One now has health problems, and one is trapped in a controlling marriage with someone she don't even Love.
I found this article about how to spot and identify a controlling relationship for our readers. See if any of this fits the relationship YOU are in ?
|I am only spying on you for your own good!|
|God Help You If You Call|
Or Talk With Anyone I Said
You Couldn't Talk To!
Controlling BehaviourControlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. (calling 10 times to say they were 'worried' about you) Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry, upset, or 'fake concern' if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.
Quick Emotional InvolvementMany victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself sexually to him/her.
Unrealistic ExpectationsThe abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.
|Why did I ever marry this man ?|
Blame-shifting for ProblemsVery rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.
Blame-shifting for FeelingsThe abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.
HypersensitivityMost abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).
'Playful' use of Force in SexHe/she may pressure you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.
Rigid Gender RolesAbusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.
Verbal AbuseIn addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family. For more information on verbal abuse, see Verbal Abuse.
Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. HydeVery rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
Drink or Substance AbuseWhile neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic abuse?)
History of Battering or Sexual ViolenceVery rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.
Negative Attitude toward WomenSome men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.
|LOL, I am tracking your every move with a Keylogger!|