Many people in bad relationships that turn into domestic violence situations with restraining orders are unaware they are in relationships with people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. And many people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder are equally unaware they have it at all. Unaware of their mental condition, they go through life idolizing then devaluing those close to them, always in the victims role. Relationships with a Borderline start out quickly and intensely, and can be quite addictive. In the Idolizing phase of the relationship, you will think you have finally met your "soul mate". Little clues may begin to surface as they bad mouth past relationships, even their best friends and family to you, but by then you may find yourself so addicted to them you will think "this will never happen to me". This vacillation between "Good" and "Bad" is called Borderline Splitting. Unlike a more normal person, the person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder sees things in Black and White, with no shades of Grey.
Thus, a person in a relationship with a Borderline is either all good, or all bad.
Unfortunately, many people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder are seldom told what is really wrong with them by Mental Health Professionals. Most Insurance Plans will not pay for Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment because it is so difficult to treat, and the success rate for Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment is very low.
Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships can often lead to domestic violence as the partner of the Borderline struggles to understand what it happening.
Once a person with Borderline Personality Disorder splits, and you become "Bad" in their eyes, they will do anything and everything to get rid of you, including calling the police, and/or obtaining restraining orders. I found the article below while surfing the Internet.
Restraining Orders and Borderline Personality Disorder
Some use them like candy. They get restraining orders on their partners regularly because of their black and white thinking. Many of the more advanced borderline personality disordered will have a number of restraining orders on others and themselves.
Why Restraining Orders?
Borderlines have such black and white thinking that you are either good or bad in their minds — you are either evil and out to do them wrong, or you are their savior. Ironically, these thoughts about a single person could almost co-exist inside a person.
Once the BPD splits and views you as all bad in the moment, they will do everything that they can to get you out of their life. Remember that borderline personality is a chronic feeling of emptiness, so getting you out of their life also becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
One time, I asked the BPD that I was involved with, “what happens if I actually leave when you have one of these episodes?”
She responded with, “I always thought that’s what I deserve, to be alone.”
You can’t have a normal, fully functional relationship with someone who thinks that they deserve to be alone. Given a borderline’s instability and their self-loathing, this could come out in a number of harmful ways.
A true borderline continually plays the victim role. They have to be the victim of someone, something, constantly. As the partner of a borderline, they will be the victim of you.
Protect Yourself
If you are (or were) in a relationship with a borderline, you need to be aware of the restraining order trap and steer clear of it. The problem with a borderline relationship is that things can get so bad so quickly, and you don’t know when it is going to happen, that you can find yourself in a terrible situation with very little notice.
Watch for the following warning signs when dealing with a borderline:
First, get an attorney to defend you. Get the best attorney that you can afford as they will provide you with sound legal advice. I’m not an attorney and don’t play one on TV, so I don’t want to overstep my advice here.
Defend yourself to the fullest extent that you can. Be sure to have no contact with the borderline if at all possible. If children are involved, of course, you’ll need to work through this.
You don’t want to be with someone who is threatening to call the police on you, filing restraining orders, being physically violent or treating you like you’re a terrible person that’s out to victimize them. You can find people that will treat you well — I promise.
If you feel you must stay in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly, be sure to have boundaries before things ever escalate. Know when and what will make you walk away from a particular situation, and try to stick to those boundaries.
IF you are just coming out of a failed relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, my personal advice is to try not to harbor any feelings of anger or resentment. Being angry with someone is much like pissing in your own pants. The person who feels it the most will usually be you. Just as we would not be angry with a dyslexic child who can't read fluently, why be angry with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder ? It is not their fault! My advice is to forgive them and move on, for your own health and sanity.
Why Restraining Orders?
Borderlines have such black and white thinking that you are either good or bad in their minds — you are either evil and out to do them wrong, or you are their savior. Ironically, these thoughts about a single person could almost co-exist inside a person.
Once the BPD splits and views you as all bad in the moment, they will do everything that they can to get you out of their life. Remember that borderline personality is a chronic feeling of emptiness, so getting you out of their life also becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
One time, I asked the BPD that I was involved with, “what happens if I actually leave when you have one of these episodes?”
She responded with, “I always thought that’s what I deserve, to be alone.”
You can’t have a normal, fully functional relationship with someone who thinks that they deserve to be alone. Given a borderline’s instability and their self-loathing, this could come out in a number of harmful ways.
A true borderline continually plays the victim role. They have to be the victim of someone, something, constantly. As the partner of a borderline, they will be the victim of you.
Protect Yourself
If you are (or were) in a relationship with a borderline, you need to be aware of the restraining order trap and steer clear of it. The problem with a borderline relationship is that things can get so bad so quickly, and you don’t know when it is going to happen, that you can find yourself in a terrible situation with very little notice.
Watch for the following warning signs when dealing with a borderline:
- Threatening to contact the police: Many times these are false claims that are again trying to play the victim. However, they could be real, and I’d recommend staying away from anyone who wants to call the police. I know, you can usually calm them down. It’s not your job, and you need to maintain your self dignity. Leave any situation where the borderline is threatening to call the police.
- Physical violence: When an extreme fight breaks out, the borderline may hit, kick or scratch at you. At this point, your body’s fight or flight responses take over as adrenaline rushes through your veins. DO NOT FIGHT. WALK AWAY. I can’t stress this enough. Even if the borderline hit you square in the face, once you throw a punch, you may be defending yourself to the police or a judge. Walk away. You don’t want to be with someone who is physically violent with you.
- Beginning to play the victim role, of you: Follow me here. Once the borderline starts to become the victim of you and your actions, your world will be turmoil. I’m taking a leap here as I personally stayed involved with the borderline as she tried to be the victim of me over and over again, but maybe you’ll be smarter than me. Believe me, in the long run, it’s better. You don’t want to be with someone that views you so poorly, even if they also idealize you. In the end, they don’t treat you well, and you can find someone that treats you better.
First, get an attorney to defend you. Get the best attorney that you can afford as they will provide you with sound legal advice. I’m not an attorney and don’t play one on TV, so I don’t want to overstep my advice here.
Defend yourself to the fullest extent that you can. Be sure to have no contact with the borderline if at all possible. If children are involved, of course, you’ll need to work through this.
You don’t want to be with someone who is threatening to call the police on you, filing restraining orders, being physically violent or treating you like you’re a terrible person that’s out to victimize them. You can find people that will treat you well — I promise.
If you feel you must stay in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly, be sure to have boundaries before things ever escalate. Know when and what will make you walk away from a particular situation, and try to stick to those boundaries.
IF you are just coming out of a failed relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, my personal advice is to try not to harbor any feelings of anger or resentment. Being angry with someone is much like pissing in your own pants. The person who feels it the most will usually be you. Just as we would not be angry with a dyslexic child who can't read fluently, why be angry with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder ? It is not their fault! My advice is to forgive them and move on, for your own health and sanity.
I am a single mom of 3 kids. The youngest being18 months. Her father and I were On and off for 4 years. He emotionally abused me. When I chose him he told me it was my choice not his. He asked me to have a baby with him. He told me he had kids but that he wasn't married. He lied, he was married in Mexico. He divorced her to marry in the us for papers. He then got her mad @ him by cheating. She hit him, she went to jail. He moved, stayed married btw , and got his citizenship. Then he divorced her . Our baby was born right before his citizenship. We started our problems . I never called police when he physically abused me. My stupidity. Now he tried taking something I had in my hands n I fought him by pushing n trying to kick , he pushed me down n scratched me. Happy Friday to me because I got served papers and my 3 kids and I were escorted out of my house. We co own the house. He threw his own baby to the streets. I'm so lost.
ReplyDeletethe probelm is with BPD you cant actualy see it witch poses a problem but you can see it after a while if you learn about someone enuff mind BPD relationships do occasionaly work it depends who keeps controll
ReplyDeleteAre you suggesting that people can look at someone and break down their neurochemistry to deduce what type of mental incapacities they have but BPD has a cloaking device? This comment makes no sense.
DeleteIn general, people with Borderline Personality Disorder destroy relationship after relationship of everyone that's around them. Sometimes it seems, the stronger the emotions of admiration they have towards a person, quickly becomes polarized in the opposite direction of devaluing that same person when the slightest thing goes wrong. What that equates to in the work force is they typically try and get their co-workers fired. Many of them are smokers that have additional substance abuse problems that almost always crosses over into the workplace. Mood wise, they are usually constantly irritable and many of them become obsessed with hate and revenge in the midst of their anger, which they use to their advantage. They can be quite cleaver in fabricating stories of wrongdoing of abuse when going around playing the roll of a victim wherever they go.
ReplyDeleteThe False allegations brought on by people with Borderline Personality Disorder are more common than people realize and is something that very few people understand. However there are entire legal teams that are dedicated in defending people against frivolous and malicious lawsuits brought on by people with the disorder. Some studies suggest that in almost all of the cases where a thorough psychological evaluation was performed on both parties, in the cases where the evidence showed that the allegations were false, almost all (75%) of the falsely accusing plaintiffs were diagnosed with BPD. Ever seen the movies Play Misty for Me or 1987 Fatal Attraction starring Glenn Close?? Both movies depict BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and explains a lot.
Douglas Emberland
I was going out with a girl for 4 months. She had a few behavioural issues which were very out of the ordinary. I didnt take much notice of it. Towards the end of the relationship she had another delusional outburst.. I really liked her and told her this cant continue unless you see a councillor about the strange insecurity and perception issues you have. She went realy cold and nasty after that. Couldnt realise why...anyway.we agreed that the relationship is over and we will be friends. I came around the next few days to pick up a few belongings I had left there and to make sure she was ok as her behaviour was weird. She didnt open the door and threatened to call the Police. Soon as she said that I said, "ok.. this is not good i walked away". She sent me some abusive emails. I replied and she was even more nasty and told me not to email or text her. Police later that day called me and said not to email, call or text her. I thought it might be her friend playing a prank. I sent her a long letter by mail. Over the days, I bumped into her...after I bumped into her she called me for 30 minutes and we spoke about issues she raised and etc. Next few days I met a friend who lives near where she works, we were walking alonng the sidewalk, and she came up to me and said "what do you want", I said "nothing" and kept walking. She looked back at me put her finger up and did a cut throat gesture.
ReplyDeleteThe next day, I was arrested by Police for stalking and intimidation. On top of that a search warrant for a handgun which I never had, and they did not find. I was later charged with stalking and intimidation and an AVO was also placed on me.
When I walked out the Police station I almost fell off my feet to read the statement she wrote. Lies, lies, and lies. Crazy stuff that I luckily had evidecne and phone records for. I kept on contacting Police that this is all BS and a big waste of time, I can show you all the evidence to prove these allegations wrong. They said sorry, it must go to court. Well in court, she admitted she lied to police, we proved most her allegations false by evidence presented and phone records, she lied to the Police on many occasions we worked out, and she further lied in court. The magistgrate even gave her a certificate which protected her for her lies! The case was dismissed, charges dropped and I was left with a $13,000 legals bill!
Thank you NSW Police... a great legal system. What they should of done is investigated this more.
I have BPD and my ex-husband left me because I was too afraid he was going to leave me but at the same time I would always lash out at him. After he left it opened my eyes and made me realize I need to get my disorder in check. I found helpful information at http://onlineceucredit.com/social-work-ceus-tdp. The website offered information that helped me learn to control my BPD symptoms.
ReplyDeleteSorry, looks like I gave the wrong URL. The website is actually http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-tdp.
DeleteSorry? That's not something someone with a PD would say, unless trying to keep themselves out of serious trouble. You should have your self-diagnosis confirmed by a professional. Those with a PD will do everything and anything to portray their victim as the problem, even to the victim herself/himself. Good Luck
DeleteRebecca, my ex girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder, but her Doctor never diagnosed her with it, since Insurance will not pay for BPD Treatment. I TRIED to show my ex girlfriend who is a Nurse that she has Borderline Personality Disorder, but she just Called me "Dr Chris" and basically told me I was full of shit.
ReplyDeleteI filed a nursing board complaint against her, to try and protect her from trying to return to Nursing (she is on mental conditions Social Security Disability), and to also protect any patients who may have their medical care compromised from the BPD she suffers from.
The Florida Board Of Nursing ordered her examined by their Forensic Psychiatrist, and he found BPD, as well as drug addition. In fact, she tested positive for amphetamines the day she was tested.
She cuts herself when stressed, and has nearly all the symptoms of a Borderline.
Her regular Psychiatrist has kept her in Denial of what is really wrong with her, all these years.
Though my ex girlfriend caused me many problems with restraining order violations, I wish her no harm, and hope she gets help for her BPD.
I have seen bpd work in a relationship only when the person suffering from the disorder is able to have an open relationship. The supporting partner can't do the same because it will cause extreme jealousy. Trust me, I am a Dr. And seen thousands of patients, this is only way. If you can't give your bpd partner an open relationship, then get out before you hurt them.
ReplyDelete@The Doctor, I think I agree with you! My ex girlfriend Eileen has Borderline Personality Disorder, and I caught her cheating, or attempting to cheat on me several times.
ReplyDeleteWhy do Borderlines feel he need to cheat so much in relationships ? We broke up a few years ago, and she is remarried, yet she has told me she still loves me, and we have even had Sex, and she is married!
Eileen swore u and down she loved me, yet while fixing her computer, I found Love Letters she wrote to her ex husband John. LOL, the Love Letters telling her ex husband John how much she still loved him, were written after we spent the day together.
Once, early in our relationship, she said she was sick, and had stomach pains, and cancelled our date. Worried about her, I got some medicine, and drove over her apartment. I accidentally caught her with her ex boyfriend!
Why do Borderline's feel such a need to cheat ?
They don't do it willingly. Those suffering from BPD have a subconscious desire to cuckold or embarrass their mate. Cheating is a symptom of the disorder. However, they will also speak poorly about their mate to friends and family, verbally abuse them, and threaten them with ultimatums. Their goal is break you down so that they have control. They suffer from depression and anxiety from a fear of abandonment. Medicine will not treat this behavior, because their desire to cuckold is typically something that was learned from their mothers ( typically this is a female disorder). Councling is the best form of treatment, but it has very low success rates. If you are still currently with someone that has disorder, I would suggest learning to accept that this is a part of your life. If you get a lemon, than learn to make lemonade. If you are not a confident person, than cuckolding will eventually burn you down. The bottom line is that they are not cheaters, they are just trying to quench their fear of being alone. The progressive treatment t hat has been working to stop or limit their episodes is to allow your mate with BPD to be with other people. Find someone else that you trust for them to get attention from.
DeleteYou must be a part of the process, or you will find that your mate will seek attention behind your back. Lies kill relationships, not sex. Does this explanation help?
I agree with this but only partially. I was with a BPD that never cheated. Ohh the subject came up and we had some messy moments but she never cheated. It wasnt easy but i got her to understand what those desires were and how to think of them. she would bring up the subject always in the most un-tactful way possible but eventually it stopped and she had a normal behavior towards sex. You may think that she might have just done it without me knowing but we were basically together 24/7 with me in control of all the money and bills and working and living together. The cuckold thing is a bandage solution but it doesn't address the problem that they have to learn to fulfill themselves. Now if the borderline is not willing to make the sacrifices and the person still wants to be with them then i can see how the cuckold thing is a choice.
Delete@ the dr. I agree with you. How come more people dont talk about this? When I first married my wife with BPD she was always attacking and threatening to break up by focusing on negative things. She just kept pushing me away, the more I apologized and came back to her, the worse and more frequent it got.
ReplyDeleteFinally when we were at our last stay we saw a couple’s therapist who discovered that she had BPD. We went to specialist and informed me that because of her BPD she was always going to feel tapped to codependency and scared of her extreme emotions and irrational thoughts that were going through her head. He said the was always going to push me away, unless she was given her freedom.
He said most relationships fail unless the person with PBD is allowed get the attention they need from other men. It provides them an escape. Here is the crappy part. He said that I needed to faithful, or it would severely hurt my wife. Talk about a raw deal. I had nothing to lose so tried it. IT WORKED!
Every time she was feeling trapped or had a desire to run away, she would pick one of the different sex partners that she was using for her fun and come back the next day. It hurt me right away. But my wife stopped trying to run away, and she became more happy and fun. We call these episodes her “adventures” and we have learned to use her discussions and openness about what she does to spice up our sex lives. She has to tell me everying or it hurts our trust, but I have learned to get off on it. Our sex is 100 times better.
I have been with her for 20 years now, and I love her to death. I agree with the DR. To those that are trying to date someone that has BPD, you better give or an open relationship or she will eventually break you down, or ended it herself by doing something extreme to push you away. If you cant handle the heat then stay out of the kitchen.
Wow. It eoukd have been nice time know this a long time ago. It is funny that this treatment information is on thus blog. Every other blog just has people discussing how they were hurt but someone with borderline. I could not find this info before so we sent her to a specialist and learned that for her to end pushing me away she needed attention from other men. It weird because most people with it are pretty girls. I tryed it and it worked but I was too jelous and tried other things. She said that she didn't want to cheat. But her episodes just came back. Nothing else worked but this. I have learned to deal with it. I just tell myself that my girl is sleeping around for me. I make her tell me every sexual detail otherwise I dent trust. She is grid and I hurt but sage isbworth it. Why isn't this treatment information available. Everyone just talks about how it sucks, never how time make borderline wwork. Hang in there guys. If you love her then find a way
DeleteI am a female with Boarderline, and I never wanted to cheat but I was always finding reasons to break up or runaway. i dont want to run, but I just had episodes. this treatment has helped me with stability in my current marrage... but that is the case for everyone not just for those with Boarderline. It is a fact! Check this out.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.waaf.com/Happiness-to-a-long-marriage--an-affair-with-tons-of-sex/13777292?pid=260275
This is not the only form of treatment. Many specialist don’t recommend the BPD person to be open because it seen as something bad. They use medication or counseling, but it is hard to break. Opening up my relationship worked for me and my partner too. But I am sure each person is different. It always forced my man to be on his toes, or one my sex partners would steal me. I am treated like a queen. Open marriage has had lower divorce rates that those with monogamy. Numbers don’t lie. I have a stable relationship, and I still get my fun. Keep in mind most guys will not be able to handle this... they will want to be with other people too. I could not handle that. you might get lucky with a guy that is caring enough to do it. I did and I am in heven
ReplyDeleteMost of the the guys that will let me do this are ugly. The hot guys will bail when I ask them to do it. I would take a ugly guy, but they don't have the self esteem to handle it... And they just cry all the time. I want to find a good looking successful man that can get into this. I need to have what you have... How did you talk a decent guy into this?
DeleteFirst I want to say that this is a great blog. There is a lot of positive information. -- To the Dr. I have recommended this approach to my BPD patients too. However many specialists disprove because of the negative judgment that goes with it. The most obvious positive about an Open relationship is that technically there’s no cheating. Where there’s no cheating there are no lies. And normally this means there are no nasty surprises and no hurt because everything is in the open.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, sexually, a monogamous relationship can turn dull with time. Allowing both partners to venture out and sample different “flavours” can sometime bring back that excitement to the primary relationship. Who knows what else one can learn out there about fun between the sheets. This new knowledge can surprisingly spice things up in the bedroom for the couple.
Thirdly, and especially true for married couples, a third party relieves pressure from the primary relationship. Pressures of work, the kids, finances, in-laws etc can cause serious rifts between couples. A third party in the relationship can in a way relieve this pressure, giving both partners some space to cool off from all the rigours of married life. It a very very common practice (numbers range as high at 70%) but most couples keeps it secret even from their closest friends because they will be judged negatively by mainstream culture. It is not for everyone. Make sure that partner can handle it before you jump in. It should be a positive thing, Most partners will not have enough trust in their loved one with BPD to handle this one sided treatment. It works only with the couples that have unconditional love and think past jealousy, and what to do what is best for the relationship. Do your research first with your partner first. -- If you think you need this treatment to prevent your episodes, than you will have to find a partner that loves you enough to give you your freedom. Best of luck everyone
Agreed. I could not have said it better
DeleteI might have this. How can I tell for sure?
DeleteAsk yourself these questions:
DeleteAre you a negative person?
Are you depressed?
Have you slept with more than 30 people?
Do you have unprotected sex with strangers?
Do you have herpes?
Do you have a poor relationship with your family?
Do you have a small number of friends?
Do you find yourself constantanly breaking up with people you care about?
Do you fear abandonment?
Do you talk poorly about your significant other to friends and family?
Do your parents have a poor relationship with each other?
Do you seek attention or approval from strangers or acquaintances?
Do you enjoy being in public with your body exposed?
Do you blame others, or past situations for your emotional problems?
Do you find it difficult to not be in a relationship with someone?
Are you codependent?
If you answered YES to most of these questions, then you Probably have BPD and you should seek a specialist.
How much of the rage and dishonesty in BPD is a choice and how much of it is outside of the BPD person's control due to the illness? I have a hard time with 2 BPD people that lie about others in hurtful ways but at the same time I don't want to be mad if they truly cannot help it. I don't know if it is like a bully on a playground where they choose to do it even though some immaturity exists or if it is like a dyslexic seeing words backwords where they have no control at all over it.
DeleteOMG!! I cannot believe that any man would be such a fucking little bitch to allow his wife or gf to have an "open" relationship where she fucks and swallows some other guy's load and then come home to me but I have to be faithful because she can't handle it. I'd leave that whore if she even suggests that to me, no wait, I would slap and piss in her face if she has the balls to try to convince me of such a shitty bargain. Men who allow this need to just kill themselves for being such spineless pussies!
DeleteI can't believe somebody would put up with this shit! Yeah right, okay honey go fuck that other guy and make sure you swallow his load but tell me all about it or I'll be hurt. Come on, guys, where is your dignity? I would piss on a woman's face if she even suggests cheating on me! Any man that allows this should be put out of their misery!
DeleteMy wife has borderline. She will tell you doesn't... Lol. She does! I have forced her to get treatment not knowing what that ment for me. She will tell you that she does not want freedom, she needs structure. I believe her, the problem is that when I give her boundaries she breaks them anyway behind my back. My wife says she doesn't want treatment or to be open. She says that she just wants me, but my wife will communicate with her exes and then cover up her tracks. I don't want her to be with other people, but if she is going to be seeking their attention to make herself feel better than I would rather it was not done behind my back. I found that by forcing her to be open about her dirt, it made it easier for me to take. But she refuses to accept that she has the disorder, and her lies are eating me up. I gave her the open relationship, but she is still covering tracks. I know she is a cheater, so her being with other men doesn't bother me anymore. I just don't like lies because it makes me wonder why I am in a relationship at all. I don't want a divorce. Please help!!! What should I do?
ReplyDeleteThe is a good blog. Best I have seen so far. Thanks for the help. Glad I am not alone in this crap.
ReplyDeleteI want to understand this because I know two people with BPD and have anxiety issues myself. Their BPD makes my anxiety go up but I don't want to be ignorant to the parts of BPD that they cannot help. One is someone who lies for revenge and she is harder to understand. The other lies but more out of misperception like thinking her husband is cheating on her when he is not but then coming around and keeping it between them usually. The 2nd person will announce lies to everyone who knows the person they are lying about and I don't know when it is a malicious attempt to ruin the ex-husband or others lives or if it is a misperception. What sources would I be able to learn how much of BPD one has control over and how much is anxiety? I am only 22 but am curious. When my mother died when I was 9 I think the woman my Dad dated on and off had some BPD also but my Dad has never remarried and that 3rd person is not in the picture anymore. The 3rd person may or may not have been BPD as she had trauma issues.
ReplyDeleteI've been married for 15 years. I love my wife dearly but I'm startintg to think she has BPD. She's a great mother to our 2 children but the ast 2 years (after our son was born) she has been mire and more critical of me. She was ALWAYS an anger ball, but I just thought it was her red hair. About a year ago, she started criticizing everything I did. I do the laundry, the dishes, I clean the kids rooms and I take them out every day. But she calls me lazy and good for nothing. So I ignored it. Then she went t Alanon and told everyone I was an alcoholic. (I'm not...I don't drink!) She called me lazy, so the more I did to dissuade her comments, she would be critical of the actuak job I did. I've ALWAYS done the dishes, so she would stary saying there were stains, or why couldnt I do it earlier, or later. She would complain how I folded the laundry too! I would fold the laundry while the kids were wathing TV at night and she got mad becaise I had to come in and put the clothes away during HER time. So we she left to go to my cousin's house with the kdis and then we went to counseling. She convinced the guy it was all me.
ReplyDeletepart 2 She would even complan the entire hour how horrible I was. Yet, she took things that happened 8 months ago as if they happened that day! SO I wanted to stop seeing him and see someone else. She screamed and said I was destroying te relationship. We fought EVERY single day. There was almost nothing I did that she was happy with. I tok the kids out on a Saturdfay for 5 hours, but brought them home 5 (yes FIVE) minutes early, she started screaming about how I'm selfish and think f nothing but myself. So I screamd. I flipped out. I was so upset I took a nap. She called the cops on me! They didn't arrest me because they saw me calm and she was crying and clutching the kdis like I was an animal. I started to question myself. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was thinking only of myself. We would still fight everyday. (Well, she would yell at me, and I would take it) until I blew up. She called the cops again. they still didn't arrest me. So I went for a week's vacation at a friend's house in Oct. She got an order of protection against me. She told me I couldnt come home. She emptied my bank account. I had to move to my mom's house 200 iles away. I haven't seen my kids in 3 minths. She's canclled every supervised visitatiom, or she's emptied my bank account. I had one of her friend's call me last week to tell me she lased out at her. She finally understood what I was talking about. (She's in her Alanon meeting...she never saw me as my wife described me). The thing is, my wife was never like this. She's 42, andit seems so odd she would do this now. Her mom is a naecissisitc man hater, and her mother threw my wife's dad out of the house when my wife was 4 1/2, the same age our daughter is now. I email her a love letter every night. I leave a msg on the machine telling her how much I love her. AFter 15 years of marriage, can BPD finally com out??? She bought a new cell phone and won't tell me the number.I want her to havea psych eval so I'm going to try to get custody. I wished her Happy New Year..and she said (Oh you're the one who woke me up?).I told her I was coming out Friday..I have 8 things to do and I accidentally told her I was going to court. She then said she has every phone call I made to her and I will go to jail for 14 violations of the court order and I will never see my kids.
ReplyDeleteI will not divorce my wife. She now is not the woman I married, but I know she's in there somewhere, and I made a vow for life. ANd my kids need their daddy. It's been 3 months since I've seen my kids and I have 2 months to go JUST for the hearing!!! )
I'm too scared to go to court now. What can I do? She treats me like an enemy, not the woman who said she loved me. I wouldn't do this to my worst enemy,yet she says she hates me! I've always suspected her manhating (including me) mother was narcissistic or bipolar but never my wife. My wife is very together! She's iike the rock of our family. But noW she is so unpredictable.I feel when she screams bloody murder at me, I have NO idea who I'm speaking to. I asked her to vacate the order of protection and I'll still live somewhere else..se went BALLISTIC,,thanks for any bone you can throw me.
Oh my God man...I'm so sorry for what's happened to your marriage...and your wife. I am a single guy that was with a girl for 7 years. We were never happy and I just attributed it to the dynamics...a lack of compatibility. Now I see...that she was BPD and I couldn't do anything right. You are confused because she was never like this before...the birth of your last child has unleashed this behavior and you will not get your wife back in my opinion...not the way she was before at least. If I were you...and I never have offered advice or contributed to a blog in my life but thought I better give you this advice...I would run to freedom and try to win custody of your children. If not at least fight for as much time with them as you can get from the courts. I don't wish this to cause you pain...but I am so happy now to be free having escaped without children involved...this will make your journey difficult at best but you must ask your wife to be civil if divorce is in the cards. Tell her you love her but not all the time. Let her see you are gone and if she asks you to come back...think. You have a choice now...it is often better for a BPD to leave you...we are victims of their illness and sometimes you're better off cutting your losses. God bless you man...you're a good guy.
ReplyDeleteI only read the first couple of blogs, but one thing that struck me most was "...you'll think you found your soul mate". I keep forgetting that borderlines can change almost like a chameleon. Not saying it's deception, since I doubt my ex was truly aware she was doing this, but she could go from a hot young girl, to almost a child, to a grown woman. She could change her stance is what I mean. One moment she would need reassurance and nurturing, then on another day she would need space.
ReplyDeleteAlso the idealizing switching over to devalue. Yep. She told me when we first started talking that I was "... an amazing person". One of the last things she ever said to me was "I know you think I'm the one, but I don't feel that way".
I admit being a bit co-dependent, but I certainly gave her space since she's a mom anyway.
All I know is I would do anything to turn back time and never be with her. My heart is still there. I have struggled in my mind, heart, everything. I'm sad often. I feel like I'm never going to meet a female as kind as she was when things were going good. She's a knockout and just one of a kind. We had a lot of chemistry. We never fought. She just started acting more and more weird. I never really did anything wrong to her.
So now I'm left with this great big hole in my heart and I think of her all the time. Thats really the worst part. I can't stop thinking of her.
Any suggestions? I can't afford therapy.
A website called shrink4men has helped me move forward. it wasnt easy. it sounds like your in the FOG phase. Just hang in there, read all the info so you will be able to make sound decisions.
Deletespend time reading...it distracts the mind. If you get into a pattern of thinking about her all the time...that will be your reality until time heals you. Who wants to wait for time to work magic...exercise...take up a new hobby or old one again...and build your self esteem and confidence back up so you can be ready for the next 'one of a kind' hottie. Man we've all been through this one...every guy on here and in the hundreds of Borderline forums out there...these girls are incapable of love as their defenses are too high. You couldn't make her love you and that's not your fault. I've read some stories about guys with kids and custody battles...one guy having to pay $90,000 before it went to court! The cheating...the lying...the deceit and manipulation. You might be the luckiest survivor I've read about yet...smile brother...there's another psycho crazy nut job out there for you...so be careful with the next one.
ReplyDeletethis woman is amazing...hope she helps some of you see the light...it's tough out there but keep fighting the good fight...stay no contact and find yourself and your focus...good luck. http://gettinbetter.com/fallout.html
ReplyDeleteI have two children, age 6 and 4. I am involved in a divorce from my spouse that has been diagnosed with: alcoholism, anorexia nervosa and BPD. Divorce lasts for nearly three years now. During that time there has been only partial treatment for alcoholism, and none in directions for other mentioned disorders. I live in Croatia. What is happening now, is that all of the facts that imply the behavior of my spouse is being turned directly at me with claims without proof. This is being made by the institutions that have little, if any means directed to awareness of the, amongst other facts, disorder campaign led towards me as mentioned in BPD examples of disorder behaviors. The exact situation is without exaggeration, that the very system is against me, following my directions to imply what is the truth, as my misleading and my manipulation. Children are being abused by her and her surroundings, which I have mentioned many times to the institutions, but even the specialists claim that I am manipulative person. By this kind of development of not being able to present the truth, even with conversation recordings that hold the truth, I am systematically overthrown and branded as the one that is out of his mind, a liar and a manipulator. Now they even imply that I have treated my children, my daughter, in a way that I can not even mention. Please, can you give me any advice in this struggle with the system because I hold the truth that all seem to try to destroy and make it invisible. Please, please help.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Robert
Things I learned from ten years taken from my life trapped in a relationship with a BPD. I’ve lived 1 to 5, and I’ve seen 6.
ReplyDelete1. The passion of the romance never comes back in your partner. Only the memories remain and they can hold you in the relationship by making you believe that things “just need to get back to normal.” It will never happen,
2. The violence gets worse, not better and there is nothing you can do to stop the cycle once it starts. You can lock yourself in a room, only to hear your work clothes cut to shreds until you come out again,
3. Eventually the police will be involved and it will be you that is at fault.
4. If you’re not married – leave and leave quickly. No goodbyes because (1) you might change your mind or (2) you might meet a new and unimaginable level of violent desperation.
5. If you’re married with no kids, don’t try to have any. (Also, leave!) They will be used to trap you, they will be turned against you and they will endure many years of manipulation and possibly abuse.
6. If you’ve got children, know that you are on the losing side of this. Get out and hope for the best. You will need to be the sane person that your kids need as much contact with as possible. Know that your child support will be going to fund her new relationship(s) and that gifts and clothes might be converted to cash.
Finally, when you get out of a BPD trap, do not date until you’ve gotten counseling. You have a lot of wounds to heal and you are in danger of going out with the same persona again without healing time and increased awareness. The lessons and experiences can make you a better and more mature person. Your next relationship may not be as passionate, but it will be happier and healthier.
Possibly have BPD. You guys are horrible. Your advise? Leave leave leave or let her cheat. No wonder u had issues. Its the passive aggressive men who bring out the worst in us. You soak up all our adoration and expect it to always stay in that magical state. Well that doesn't last. And always preempting how u feel what u want etc is exhausting. We want passion we want t closeness and to be needed and then we want space. Think a normal relationship but faster stages. Not all of us are crazy violent girls who will call the cops. Some just need to be reassured that u won't leave. Just a lot more than normal. We then feel weak for being so needy so we lash out. It doesn't mean we don't love. It means we love too much.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that we stay, stay, stay for way too long. There's nothing passive-aggressive about wanting to avoid a knock-down, drag-out fight in the restaurant, at a family get-together, among friends. Assertiveness is rewarded with punishment that ranges from the silent treatment, to belittling, to violence. I don't know you but I do know my ex-wife and nothing you suggested worked.
DeleteThe English (who are so quick to stereotype other Europeans) refer to an argumentative marriage as “Neapolitan.” Love is measured by passion, and passion is measured by the force with which one partner engages the other in a demonstrative test of wills. Some people are addicted to this and equate love with a tempestuous relationship. Others who just want some peace in the house avoid fights and are accused of passivity. I vote for less drama in my life. May the "Neapolitans" find each other and leave the rest of us in peace.
DeleteAwesome!
ReplyDelete